Weekends with Ellie

I love weekends with my daughter. Every Sunday (or Friday if Leigh and I switch nights), I get to spend the entire day with her, doing whatever we please. So far today, we've cleaned my room, done puzzles, watched Nightmare Before Christmas and emptied the toy box looking for missing puzzle pieces (we found all but one, for the record.) And, while Ellie is peacefully slumbering away upstairs, I've taken the opportunity to pluck my eyebrows and hunt for zucchini bread recipes.

When she wakes from her nap, we'll probably have a snack and then try out the new paint brushes I got yesterday - maybe whip out the construction paper and elmer's glue, too.

And I love these days, the "home-body" quality, the freedom to do whatever we want, the snuggles and kisses, the amazing stories my toddler can weave (listening to her vocabulary evolve is amazing in itself), the delicious meals we make, the way everything happens and nothing really gets done. It's bliss.

Step One

I'm trying to better myself... still. Right now, I've been writing a little bit (shock and awe!), and eating better. I set a very moderate weight-loss goal, and I'm hoping to blow it out of the water. I've been taking a lot better care of myself and my house. I always took good care of my daughter, thank goodness, but I feel like she's getting even better care now. When mommy's happy, so is baby. Not that she's a baby anymore! Goodness, she's growing up - but that is fodder for another post.

So, I don't really know what my point is. I'm living at the peak of something right now, and I will start sliding down one side or another very soon - to the left (arbitrarily chosen, nothing against the left or the west) I see complacency, depression, self-destruction... but, to the right, I see optimism, self-expression, self-love, and joy that I can spread to others. So, here's hoping I can tip to the right and keep this snowball getting bigger. Also, I hope to take in my skirts again before the fall.

And, because it's just cruel to post and not share my amazing daughter - I give you my gorgeous child.


And us together at the 4th of July parade.

Lunchtime Ruminations

Life is such a funny thing. I know people say that a lot, but it's really true - if, by funny you mean just about every adjective known to man. My favorites to apply: Chaotic, complex, hilarious, depressing, delightful, amazing, mundane, topsy-turvy, dark and lovely.

I find myself frequently trying to wade through all of these ideas and emotions at the same time. They seem to make some sort of inedible stew that I have to swim about in, searching for footing. It's difficult to admit, and even harder to live, but the gist of it is the following.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I have no idea where I'm going.
I have no idea what I want from life.
I have no idea where I will be tomorrow - mentally more than physically, but physically, too.

That all makes me sad, but not too sad. I have to concentrate on the little things to get through each day. My daughter is the most important concern - if she's healthy and happy, that's all that really matters. Secondary concerns hit me as well. Are my dishes done? Are the floors clean? Is the laundry put away? Do I have plans this weekend? When do I get to see my family? Do I have friends to spend time with? (This is a HUGE one.) Am I learning and growing enough this week? Have I lost any weight? (1.5 pounds this week! Go me!)

I just feel like I'm in a constant state of flux. And perhaps that's how it will always be. Does life ever really calm down? I don't necessarily need to find solid ground, but a life preserver would be much appreciated.

Learning

I feel like I'm in an upswing of information-intake right now. I'm running a proactive campaign to better myself.

1. Quit smoking. I feel so much better already, it's not even funny. I have more energy, meaning that my house is cleaner, I'm cooking better meals, and myself and my daughter are both happier. Yay me!

2. Head First: HTML with CSS & XHTMLI'm reading this book to teach myself the ropes. I already know most of the stuff from the first 4 chapters, but not knowing anything but HTML, I think it will help immensely. Plus, it's really fun to this huge geek. And, it will mean better job opportunities in the future.

3. Thinking about thinking about thinking. I've been sort of "self-exploratory" when it comes to my existence, my viewpoints, my way of life. I don't want to do or think anything because it's what I'm supposed to do or think.

I guess that's about it. I just feel sort of alive right now. It's a good feeling.

Invaluable

You know what I'm really sick of? I'm really sick of hearing about how those KRAZY liberals are demoralizing America.

Can you explain that one to me again? Can you explain why acceptance of diversity in the amazing species we call man is a bad thing? Can you explain to me why wanting to help those less fortunate is a bad thing? Can you explain to me why going to war over oil and bragging rights is a good thing? Can you explain to me how it's immoral to base my beliefs about the creation of this world on reality rather than a book some guys wrote a few thousand years ago? Can you explain to me why my morality, based on what I feel as a human being is less somehow than the bigoted, hateful morality you get out of that old, evil book? Can you explain why my flaming faggot friends are less moral than you because they are true to themselves, despite what society told them? Can you explain to me why it's okay to force a rape victim to birth the child of her attacker? Can you explain to me why it's okay for you to teach your children that the kids that they go to school with and play with are sinners who are going to hell because they don't go to your church?

Can you explain to me why any of that is okay? I'm waiting. I want to hear it. I want to know how you justify that kind of bigotry - that kind of hatred - and that kind of blatant immorality.