Five Things That Fill Me With Child-Like Joy at Christmas

1. Spending a day with my daddy and my sister (and now my daughter), in which we cook something delicious. It doesn't matter what as long as it can be something that reminds my dad about his childhood. This year he roasted lamb & vegetables, made potatoes and gravy and stuffing. My sister made her traditional non-traditional smorgasbord of deliciousness, which included brie cheese, fresh seafood, veggies and sauces, toasted breads, smoked salmon, crackers and olives. Ellie and I had already produced an abundance of cookies and cupcakes. We spiked egg-nog and drank some delicious local ale, too. Cooking, snacking, just spending all day at home with those I love the most - that fills me with joy.


2. The Nutcracker Ballet. I used to watch a video of this ballet obsessively when I was my daughter's age. If you've ever seen a three-year-old watch a movie, you know what I mean - as soon as the video is over, you rewind and start it again. Even just hearing a few bars of the amazing Tchaicovsky score makes me stop dead in my tracks and smile. I effing love it!





3. Christmas movies. It's a Wonderful Life, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Holiday Inn and White Christmas, Rudolph, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, the Mickey Mouse version (and any other version) of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th St (either version), Charlie Brown Christmas... almost any of them. They make me feel like a little kid.


4. The David Bowie/ Bing Crosby video. You know what I'm talking about!





5. Watching my daughter open presents. That's a new one, I guess, but hot damn, it fills me with joy. Watching her face light up as she realizes what she's holding in her hands. Watching her smile and be amazed. In fact, let's add "watching my daughter talk about santa" to this one. She believe so heartily and tells amazing stories. I cannot wait to see her face when she walks downstairs to a full stocking and new amazing toys in the morning. She's worth getting up before the sun to watch her open presents. I can live vicariously through her, now that I'm a single mama who doesn't get much in the way of gifts. But I don't usually mind so much.

Just being with my baby, taking some time off of work, indulging in delicacies of the season, getting sappy over Bing Crosby and claymation movies. Christmas is amazing. I tear up just thinking about it sometimes.


Merry Christmas everyone. (And by Christmas, I definitely mean Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Festivus, or any other family/personal/religious/secular traditions you have!)

Time to Think Aloud Again

Well, it looks like it's time for me to spend another lunch (half) hour writing something that ends up profound or profoundly stupid - depending on my mood. I don't feel like the most thoughtful nor the most entertaining person right now. But, I also feel like I need an outlet for ... well, for the something that sits in my chest and makes me feel odd and distant this past week.

Let me start with a simple statement: Life is good. I know it to be true. I'm steadily employed, with a place to call home and the most amazing child who ever walked the earth to share it with. I may have a small pool of friends, but the people who swim there are some of the kindest, smartest, most inspiring human beings I could ever ask to know. And, to top it off, I've got this amazing fellow who wants to spend time with me even when I'm fully clothed. (That was obviously a joke - we're always naked.)

But, even though life is spectacularly, grandly, fascinatingly, stupendously great, this holiday is a lot harder on me than I thought it would be. I've always tried to play this stuff off - "ohh yeah, no problem, I don't need anyone!" I mean, obviously, I love my family and I know they love me, but I like to pretend that I'm so strong, so impenetrable that something as mundane as being away from my family on Christmas can't affect me. And that, my friends, is complete and utter bullshit.

I'm sad. Really sad. I'm so sad about not seeing my daddy and my sister this week that I've been breaking out into spontaneous tears at the slightest little nothing. Add on the fact that my daughter's spending most of Christmas day with her dad and his family, and I'm pretty much done pretending it's okay (stick a fork in me.)

But, what's important (and difficult) for me to remember is that this sadness - it comes from love. It comes from loving people and being loved back, and missing those people. I need to remember that to have a heavy heart is to have a full heart. To miss people is to love them. And that's what really matters on Christmas, right? Love. (Even when it's long-distance.)

Weekends with Ellie

I love weekends with my daughter. Every Sunday (or Friday if Leigh and I switch nights), I get to spend the entire day with her, doing whatever we please. So far today, we've cleaned my room, done puzzles, watched Nightmare Before Christmas and emptied the toy box looking for missing puzzle pieces (we found all but one, for the record.) And, while Ellie is peacefully slumbering away upstairs, I've taken the opportunity to pluck my eyebrows and hunt for zucchini bread recipes.

When she wakes from her nap, we'll probably have a snack and then try out the new paint brushes I got yesterday - maybe whip out the construction paper and elmer's glue, too.

And I love these days, the "home-body" quality, the freedom to do whatever we want, the snuggles and kisses, the amazing stories my toddler can weave (listening to her vocabulary evolve is amazing in itself), the delicious meals we make, the way everything happens and nothing really gets done. It's bliss.

Step One

I'm trying to better myself... still. Right now, I've been writing a little bit (shock and awe!), and eating better. I set a very moderate weight-loss goal, and I'm hoping to blow it out of the water. I've been taking a lot better care of myself and my house. I always took good care of my daughter, thank goodness, but I feel like she's getting even better care now. When mommy's happy, so is baby. Not that she's a baby anymore! Goodness, she's growing up - but that is fodder for another post.

So, I don't really know what my point is. I'm living at the peak of something right now, and I will start sliding down one side or another very soon - to the left (arbitrarily chosen, nothing against the left or the west) I see complacency, depression, self-destruction... but, to the right, I see optimism, self-expression, self-love, and joy that I can spread to others. So, here's hoping I can tip to the right and keep this snowball getting bigger. Also, I hope to take in my skirts again before the fall.

And, because it's just cruel to post and not share my amazing daughter - I give you my gorgeous child.


And us together at the 4th of July parade.

Lunchtime Ruminations

Life is such a funny thing. I know people say that a lot, but it's really true - if, by funny you mean just about every adjective known to man. My favorites to apply: Chaotic, complex, hilarious, depressing, delightful, amazing, mundane, topsy-turvy, dark and lovely.

I find myself frequently trying to wade through all of these ideas and emotions at the same time. They seem to make some sort of inedible stew that I have to swim about in, searching for footing. It's difficult to admit, and even harder to live, but the gist of it is the following.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I have no idea where I'm going.
I have no idea what I want from life.
I have no idea where I will be tomorrow - mentally more than physically, but physically, too.

That all makes me sad, but not too sad. I have to concentrate on the little things to get through each day. My daughter is the most important concern - if she's healthy and happy, that's all that really matters. Secondary concerns hit me as well. Are my dishes done? Are the floors clean? Is the laundry put away? Do I have plans this weekend? When do I get to see my family? Do I have friends to spend time with? (This is a HUGE one.) Am I learning and growing enough this week? Have I lost any weight? (1.5 pounds this week! Go me!)

I just feel like I'm in a constant state of flux. And perhaps that's how it will always be. Does life ever really calm down? I don't necessarily need to find solid ground, but a life preserver would be much appreciated.