Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lunchtime Ruminations

Life is such a funny thing. I know people say that a lot, but it's really true - if, by funny you mean just about every adjective known to man. My favorites to apply: Chaotic, complex, hilarious, depressing, delightful, amazing, mundane, topsy-turvy, dark and lovely.

I find myself frequently trying to wade through all of these ideas and emotions at the same time. They seem to make some sort of inedible stew that I have to swim about in, searching for footing. It's difficult to admit, and even harder to live, but the gist of it is the following.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I have no idea where I'm going.
I have no idea what I want from life.
I have no idea where I will be tomorrow - mentally more than physically, but physically, too.

That all makes me sad, but not too sad. I have to concentrate on the little things to get through each day. My daughter is the most important concern - if she's healthy and happy, that's all that really matters. Secondary concerns hit me as well. Are my dishes done? Are the floors clean? Is the laundry put away? Do I have plans this weekend? When do I get to see my family? Do I have friends to spend time with? (This is a HUGE one.) Am I learning and growing enough this week? Have I lost any weight? (1.5 pounds this week! Go me!)

I just feel like I'm in a constant state of flux. And perhaps that's how it will always be. Does life ever really calm down? I don't necessarily need to find solid ground, but a life preserver would be much appreciated.