Walls

That fourth wall... why can't I let it down? I'd love to just bulldoze the damn thing, stop being cautious for once. Even when I know it's safe - when I know LOGICALLY that I have no reason to hide or distrust, I still keep that wall up. And it gets in my way. It gets in the way of my happiness and I don't fucking like it. It all falls down on the shoulders of whether or not I can trust people.

When I was in France, I had a discussion with some French and American friends about the differences in where Americans "put up their guard" vs. where the French do the same. It was decided that Americans are more like a peach - it's easy to get in with them, to become sort of casually friends, but that center is tough and difficult to crack open. The French on the other hand are more like a walnut. They have a tough exterior, but once you're in - you're in all the way.

I'm pretty typically American. I'm a peach. But instead of a nice normal wooden pit that cracks under enough pressure, mine's made of something more obnoxious - steel perhaps. I don't want to say diamond, because that would give me no hope of ever actually letting anyone in all the way, and I don't want to think like that.

So right now, I'm trying to... heat the steel? This metaphor has gotten completely away from me so I think I'll return to the literal. I am trying so hard to let people in, but my asshole brain keeps telling me not to, telling me I can't trust people, even when that logical part of my brain knows what's going on.

So, I'm trying. That's good, right? And I'm working through it, figuring it all out, figuring out why I'm feeling or pushing in certain ways. I'm trying like mad! That's all you can really ask of me.

Feeling Human

There are so many amazing things in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the biggest one is going back to school. It's nothing insane, just a one-year "certificate" in web design, but I'm already in love. I'm taking Flash, Dreamweaver and Web Authoring this term. It's fabulous. I feel useful, at least a little.

The second great thing is Ellie getting bigger. She's not a baby anymore, she's a miniature human. She has thoughts and ideas and she's interesting. She holds conversations and she makes me think. And she's been spending a couple nights a week at her dad's, so I get some alone time.

That alone time is another grand gift in my life right now. I get to have a social life, I get to take classes, and I get to have a sex life again. And I've found a very nice ... dancing partner... who makes me feel beautiful and whole and normal.

I don't know if it's a combination of these things, or if I just love change, or if I have a brain tumor that's tricking me, but I feel HAPPY and NORMAL for the first time in a very long time. I feel like I have a LIFE. I feel like I'm not some sort of freak. I feel ... human. I'm just this girl. I'm not damaged and broken. I have a history, flaws, baggage.. but so does everyone else.

And you know what, I have been working really hard this year. Working to have this life I'm finding. I've been putting myself out there with friends and lovers, with my work and school. I've been trying really hard. I've been going to book club (usually) and the gym, and trying to say yes when I'm scared, and even ASKING other people to hang out with me. That's not something that's easy for me - just texting or emailing friends to see if they want to hang out is hard. But I've been doing it anyway. Getting signed up for school was a series of smaller and smaller hoops to jump through - and I made it through each one.

I deserve to be happy. I worked for it. Did you know you have to work for this shit? That being happy isn't just something that happens to you? Did you know you have to make that happen? Because I didn't. I fully thought I was just damaged or broken or "less than"... but I was just terrified, hiding from the world. I wasn't seeking happiness.

But now I am, and I'm going to make it my bitch! No matter what it takes. I'm done hiding.

If you please...

Dear hormones,

Chill the fuck out.

Sincerely (but not happily),
Me

Normal is Evolving

It is extremely comforting to me to read confessions from people I love and respect like the Bloggess and Wil Wheaton on the topic of depression. Because of them, it's starting to feel like it's okay to admit that I deal with this stuff. I don't have to be ashamed of my feelings, I don't have to hide them, and most importantly, I don't have to pretend I don't have them. It's really comforting to echo Jenny Lawson's words, "depression lies". It makes me feel "normal" - I think "normal" is evolving to include people like me - people who are anxious all the time, who live in constant fear of rejection and ridicule. And just because I know it's unfounded, because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, it doesn't stop me from feeling thus. I like knowing that I'm not alone. I like knowing that even though I absolutely love my life, love my family, love my friends - it's okay to be sad sometimes. And it's nice to know that that sadness is not imaginary, even if it's not justified.

So, thank you internet, for the comfort you give by showing me I'm not alone.