What Exactly...

Everything is so damn confusing. Including my life. I love my life - I really do... But I don't understand it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, what I'm doing wrong. All I do know is that I am happy where I live, happy with my sweet daughter, happy with the awesome friends I have. I could use more friends. I could use a little romance - but I'll get there. If I don't give up, I'll get there.

I'm also really anxious to see if I can go back to school next year. It's just a one-year program, but it's a one-year program I really want to do, and feel like I need to do. I should know this month about the financial situation. Fingers crossed.

Now, I need to make some art. Thinking paints - but words might work, too.

I wish...

I wish I could type music using the Roman alphabet.
I wish I could spell the taste of wine.
I wish I could articulate the way the dying light is filtering through the wind-tossed, blue lace curtains and making patterns on the wall by my television.
I wish I could write how that cold wind smells
or how it feels to sit here right now as me.

Today, I Write

I've been trying to write more lately. This aspiration has instead lead to more house cleaning, more cooking, more painting and more web-browsing. But not today. Well, not tonight. Right now I'm making bean soup and doing laundry and tending my plants, and generally avoiding my notebook and keyboard as much as possible. But tonight, once the child is tucked in bed, I will make myself a white wine cocktail in a mason jar, I will blast the new album I downloaded yesterday, and I will write.

I can't sleep...

Sleep has been eluding me lately. I get in bed and I lie there, staring at the shadows cast by Ellie's Tinkerbell night light on the other side of the bed. The child kicks me, snorts in her sleep, wiggles her toes against my thigh. I sigh. I start singing "Who Needs Sleep" by the Bare Naked Ladies... sure, I'm "never gonna get it".

Then, last night, I took some melatonin, avoided alcohol and caffeine, climbed into bed at a reasonable hour, and slept. Slept for ten hours. And it was glorious.

But now it's almost one and I'm sipping a glass of wine and wondering if I'll ever hit the right balance. I'm thankful tomorrow is Saturday.