Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Feeling Human

There are so many amazing things in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the biggest one is going back to school. It's nothing insane, just a one-year "certificate" in web design, but I'm already in love. I'm taking Flash, Dreamweaver and Web Authoring this term. It's fabulous. I feel useful, at least a little.

The second great thing is Ellie getting bigger. She's not a baby anymore, she's a miniature human. She has thoughts and ideas and she's interesting. She holds conversations and she makes me think. And she's been spending a couple nights a week at her dad's, so I get some alone time.

That alone time is another grand gift in my life right now. I get to have a social life, I get to take classes, and I get to have a sex life again. And I've found a very nice ... dancing partner... who makes me feel beautiful and whole and normal.

I don't know if it's a combination of these things, or if I just love change, or if I have a brain tumor that's tricking me, but I feel HAPPY and NORMAL for the first time in a very long time. I feel like I have a LIFE. I feel like I'm not some sort of freak. I feel ... human. I'm just this girl. I'm not damaged and broken. I have a history, flaws, baggage.. but so does everyone else.

And you know what, I have been working really hard this year. Working to have this life I'm finding. I've been putting myself out there with friends and lovers, with my work and school. I've been trying really hard. I've been going to book club (usually) and the gym, and trying to say yes when I'm scared, and even ASKING other people to hang out with me. That's not something that's easy for me - just texting or emailing friends to see if they want to hang out is hard. But I've been doing it anyway. Getting signed up for school was a series of smaller and smaller hoops to jump through - and I made it through each one.

I deserve to be happy. I worked for it. Did you know you have to work for this shit? That being happy isn't just something that happens to you? Did you know you have to make that happen? Because I didn't. I fully thought I was just damaged or broken or "less than"... but I was just terrified, hiding from the world. I wasn't seeking happiness.

But now I am, and I'm going to make it my bitch! No matter what it takes. I'm done hiding.