Sunday, September 30, 2012


That fourth wall... why can't I let it down? I'd love to just bulldoze the damn thing, stop being cautious for once. Even when I know it's safe - when I know LOGICALLY that I have no reason to hide or distrust, I still keep that wall up. And it gets in my way. It gets in the way of my happiness and I don't fucking like it. It all falls down on the shoulders of whether or not I can trust people.

When I was in France, I had a discussion with some French and American friends about the differences in where Americans "put up their guard" vs. where the French do the same. It was decided that Americans are more like a peach - it's easy to get in with them, to become sort of casually friends, but that center is tough and difficult to crack open. The French on the other hand are more like a walnut. They have a tough exterior, but once you're in - you're in all the way.

I'm pretty typically American. I'm a peach. But instead of a nice normal wooden pit that cracks under enough pressure, mine's made of something more obnoxious - steel perhaps. I don't want to say diamond, because that would give me no hope of ever actually letting anyone in all the way, and I don't want to think like that.

So right now, I'm trying to... heat the steel? This metaphor has gotten completely away from me so I think I'll return to the literal. I am trying so hard to let people in, but my asshole brain keeps telling me not to, telling me I can't trust people, even when that logical part of my brain knows what's going on.

So, I'm trying. That's good, right? And I'm working through it, figuring it all out, figuring out why I'm feeling or pushing in certain ways. I'm trying like mad! That's all you can really ask of me.